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Many couples come to their first session claiming to have communication problems. But my observation is the vast majority of couples I see can actually communicate very well. The problem is with the perception of what their partner is saying to them. It seems the message they are receiving isn't being clearly understood. There is a mis-perception, with each partner assuming the other is being thoughtless, unkind or ignoring their needs. This is the real problem. Correct the perception and the relationship has a chance. When we help couples see their own perception of their partner they become better communicators. Or as I like to say, ‘They can begin to fight fair.' There really is a very simple approach to saving marriages and it works. In some ways, we were automatically ‘set up' to have difficulties in our marriages. We were all well trained on how to have a relationship simply through living with one or both of our parents for up to 20 years. The problem is some of these relationships had their own unique difficulties. When we witnessed this we may have absorbed those ways of communicating or ‘unfair fighting' simply through osmosis. Yep, learned behaviour. Your early environment has a lot to do with how you interpret emotional safety. Your care-giver was your first primary love interest for many years. Your response to emotional safety or lack thereof finds it's way over to the next primary, long-term relationship. In this new love interest, you unconsciously project your unmet core needs from childhood onto the other person, in an unconscious hope to fix what you were unable to fix when you were a child. Remember, this is all unconscious. That's why it's difficult to sort out these problems on your own. Add to the equation your partner's unmet core needs from their childhood and you have a perfect storm. The good news is, this perfect storm can be used for good, if you're willing to have a deeper look at your unmet needs. You can learn how to communicate these to your partner, using trust and transparency, with the help of your counsellor. I witness countless couples regain deep affection, trust and respect once they clearly understand the pain of the other. Most couples really do love each other. If they didn't they wouldn't come in for counselling. Changed behaviour starts once hearts are safely re-connected. Are you ready to re-connect with your partner at a much deeper, much safer level? Contact us now for a free 20 minute phone consultation to discuss your needs on 0418 220 524. ​ With over 20 years' experience, which includes over 15,000 hours of face-to-face, Skype and phone counselling, Lorraine has helped couples, families, children and groups successfully manage or overcome the following: Anger issues Alcohol and drug issues Body dis-morphia (Including Anorexia and Bulimia) Child abuse - physical, psychological and sexual Depression and anxiety Domestic violence Effects of sexual abuse Loss and grief issues Parenting concerns Relationship issues Self-esteem issues Sexual assault issues Smoking cessation Stress and burnout Suicide prevention and safety planning